Here’s the thing – I was terrible at school. I had very little confidence in myself, was hugely anxious and on top of that, didn’t have such a good or safe home life. I didn’t understand how others around me made it look so easy – and was not at all conscious to the fact that they were struggling with their own demons. I wish I had known that there were a majority of us that struggled during our school years, it may have helped.
I recently bumped into a girl from my school days – 10 years on, no less. And while it feels like the world has changed, we still look identical to the days back in school (perhaps a touch less awkward – perhaps..). We used to butt heads, A LOT. We never saw eye to eye, and rubbed each other up the wrong way more often than not. Needless to say, we both left school quite pleased to not be bumping into each other again (pretty sure she felt mutual on this one).
And underneath it all, I can safely acknowledge now, that I was a touch jealous of her back then (not acutely aware that it was in fact jealousy that had us clashing). She seemed to have the things I longed for – a safe and stable family life, friends who flocked in dozens and a sense of self confidence that I could only dream of. (I’ve recently learnt that she was actually struggling herself).
And now, 10 years on, we have both matured and grown. Not changed, but become more enlightened to the context of it all. About 5 years ago, she pinged me on Facebook – a simple message that at the time I accepted but didn’t fully come to grasp with. She apologised – she full on took responsibility, manned up and APOLOGISED. I was a bit shocked, however, assumed that something had triggered this and apologised back – I was not innocent in this.
Nothing came of this – I was still growing in my own life to focus on anything out of what I had already on my plate (I had a big corporate job that I wasn’t quite ready for, was planning a wedding I was stressing out about and was living alone for the first time in my life – trying to figure out how a washing machine worked and how flippen expensive it was to maintain a car).
And now, another 5 years on, we have both had major health scares – so similar that its a touch spooky – of which I only found out after having met up and having spoken. And all I could think was wow, have I been so silly that we’ve missed out on years of friendship? Perhaps, but more likely than not, this was just the universe’s way of telling me it’s time to release all my built up anxieties over school days.
Also, for the first time in months (just ages actually), I wasn’t able to sleep at all this weekend. I had so much to process – all of which is over 10 years old. Memories, feelings, emotions that I was holding onto – for what??
See perhaps this story isn’t at all what you have experienced from school days, but maybe, just maybe, it does remind you of something you’ve been holding onto.
Let. It. Go (breaks out into song) – no seriously though, maybe it’s time for you to face it and deal with it before you land up 10 years later, a bit unsure of how to feel or a bit unsure of what to say.